MIRRORS ARE EVIL AND DEMORALIZING

If someone had told me 6 months ago that I would WILLINGLY go for a little two mile speed walk in 103 degree temperature, I don't think I would have trusted their judgment on any matter. I hate heat - always have - hate it in that wussy way that pale overweight people hate it. But there I am - out with the dogs, trotting around the neighborhood. Most of the time it's a bit Zen. I have the iPod playing, I have the sidewalks to myself, and Boo and Cider are getting better about not tripping me... Then we have the local sociopaths who come along and make me want to cry. Tonight was the second time I have been successfully targeted by idiots whizzing by in their cars - they tossed a water balloon at me the first time and tonight it was a full cup of ice and ... something. It just about ruins it for me. I know it is a silly thing to get upset over (but man, does it HURT - to get hit by something thrown from a car moving about 40 mph), but I was half way through my walk and it made me want to just cut through the park path and call it a night.

But I didn't. Because, you know, fat. And I wanna dance. And not be fat.

So, today. Work. Bored to death. Cannot wait for school to start! It's lonely there in the lab all by myself. Designing a website might be fun - but creating it is just tedious. Link this to this and this and this... After work I headed over to the dance studio - let's call FA for short (Fred Astaire). On the drive over I had a full blown panic attack. I pulled over in a shopping center and thought my chest was going to - well, I don't know exactly what I thought it was going to do - it's a strange feeling of too much air and not enough air at the same time. And heady, dizziness. And a deep desire to cry.

Arrive at FA, still worked up. Early, but that's okay, they encourage you to hang out and watch. So I watched Joshua dancing with a girl I've seen him teaching a couple of times. She is clearly a dancer (as in trained in some dance) but new to ballroom - it is lovely to see her doing basically the same moves I am doing but with style. It makes me think that maybe someday I'll move like that.

The class went quickly because I spent a lot of it laughing. Joshua was in a puckish mood today - teasing me, teasing other dancers and instructors, generally entertaining... I think he was bored with the beginners. So far: Foxtrot, Box Step (Waltz, Rumba, others), Cha Cha, Swing, Salsa, doing turns and spins and promenades and crossovers. I like the spins in swing the best - but that's because Erin and I have been doing them for years (and we were even doing them correctly, Erin). You get quite a rush of happiness spinning about.

Then Jen and I hit the gym. Time to get gross - I am sweating more and more but I am not changing up the workout. Which seems wrong to me. Seems like the workouts should be getting easier - not sweatier! Definitely had to work through the cardio today. I've been doing arms pretty much every day which I know is the wrong approach - but ever since Madoona went on her conical bra tour and I saw her arms and shoulders, I thought, I WANT ARMS AND SHOULDERS LIKE THAT. Seriously - she looked so toned (don't want bulge, just nice definition). And I have this little ridiculous fear that nudges me and says that I need to push those arms every day or I will backslide into flab. Well, not exactly backslide, since I am still mired in it, more like I'm afraid I will never escape the land of flab.

And then the doggies. And the cup. That walk at night really is nice - I hope I don't start getting paranoid. That's what happened to me in Brentwood - I started getting paranoid and stopped going on the walks and sugars got out of control and everything went to hell.

I'm ready to pass out.

Good night!